You Deserve to be Listened to

Let me know if this resonates. You’re a great friend—the person most people go to for help—and you give genuinely thoughtful advice. You’re skilled at active listening and ask the follow-up questions others don’t bother with. And yet, you’re lonely, even while surrounded by people who consider you their “best friend.” But do they really know you, or just what you can do for them?

Perhaps you grew up in a family where being unseen and unheard kept you safe. Maybe focusing on other people—managing their emotions and meeting their needs—was what gave you value. Maybe making others feel connected brought you the closest thing you had to connection in a world that feels increasingly disconnected.

Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine, that you don’t really need to feel heard or wanted. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t matter and that if everyone else is happy, that’s good enough. I’m here to tell you it’s not. You deserve better.

Sometimes I get clients who don’t know how to talk about themselves. They’re so out of practice at speaking rather than listening, so disconnected from what they think or feel, that they wonder, If I don’t matter, why even tap into it? Before we get into the “how,” a good therapist helps challenge those beliefs that you are less than, or unworthy of attention. Believing that you matter is foundational for being able to talk about yourself. It seems so fundamental, and yet it’s an incredibly common struggle. It’s also worth noting that the people who take advantage of your “training” have no trouble believing they are worth listening to—and benefit from you believing you aren’t.

Believing you’re worth it is the first step. But then what do you talk about? In therapy, I like to learn as much as possible about my clients. What’s your favorite food? Your favorite color? What was the last book you loved? And if you don’t know the answers, we take time to explore them. It’s “safe” to talk about your favorite color; it feels less safe to talk about what you’re struggling with, especially with people you once saw as peers. Society often uses the term “trauma-dumping” to discourage people from leaning on their supports. But if we can’t count on our supports to listen, commiserate, and offer advice, what’s the point of having them? Of course, the first time you meet someone isn’t the moment to share your entire family history (unless you’re in therapy—that’s the point!), but the principle still stands.

If you’re working on talking about yourself in therapy, it’s important to practice those skills in real life. The challenge is something called behavior homeostasis—the idea that people expect us to stay the same. If you’ve always been the “therapist friend” who never talks about yourself, people may resist this new version of you. They might struggle to listen or to offer the support you need. That may mean practicing your new skills with new friends and building new connections. Some people, though, will welcome this more open version of you. If they’re good people worth keeping in your life, they have the potential to be wonderful supports.

You deserve friends who treat you the way you treat them. People who listen, who show up, who reciprocate. Friendships should be balanced: a give-and-take, a mix of talking and listening. You deserve that.