Rewriting the Stories We’re Told About Ourselves

Have you ever been told, “Oh, you’re such an introvert,” or “You’re the one we don’t have to worry about,” or even, “You’re too crazy”? We’re told things about ourselves our entire lives—often by people whose opinions we’re supposed to trust. But we don’t talk enough about how damaging these beliefs can be, or how deeply they can shape the way we see ourselves and what we believe we’re capable of. Even when they sound positive on the surface, these stories can quietly hold us back.

Take, for example, the label “You’re an introvert” or “You’re too quiet.” Are you really that quiet—or have you simply been talked over so many times that you’ve given up on using your voice?

Or consider the story, “You’re the one we don’t have to worry about.” What happens when you do need to be worried about? When you need support, love, and care? Are the people in your life willing—or even able—to step up for you? And more importantly, are you willing to ask?

Then there’s the classic comparison: “You were the bad kid; your sibling was the good one.” How do you unlearn a label like that? Were you actually bad, and was your sibling truly good? Probably not. But those labels can stick, long after childhood, shaping how we see ourselves and our relationships.

People tell us—and themselves—these stories for countless reasons. A mother might call her child “dependable” so she doesn’t have to face the reality of how much she leaned on them. A friend group might label someone “too quiet” so they don’t have to feel guilty about excluding them from conversations. Someone might call you “too much trouble” because they can’t handle added stress and don’t know how to leave the relationship gracefully. None of those stories are really about you. They’re about them.

In the poem “Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson, she writes:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

I think of that poem often when I work with clients who are fighting against these old stories and limiting beliefs. Many of them ask, “But what if you’re wrong? What if I really am [insert negative belief here]? What if I stop being realistic?”
To that, I say—gently, but firmly—you’re not going to magically turn into a narcissist just because you start seeing yourself in a positive or even neutral light.

So how do we change the story?

The first step is to figure out who you are without the stories others have told about you. What do you actually like? What do you actually need? What’s your favorite color? Your favorite book? Are you more outgoing in small groups, or do you thrive one-on-one? Do you need help and are you willing to ask for it?

Answering these questions (and others like them) can help you rediscover your core self.

Next, start living that truth. Speak up. Ask for help. Wear your favorite color. Laugh loudly. Look in the mirror and remind yourself who you are and what you truly want out of life.

And remember you don’t have to do this alone. Therapy can be an incredible resource on this journey. A great therapist can help you ask the right questions, challenge old narratives, and remind you that your authentic self is not only worthy but enough.